this little walk of faith....

I’m not great at blogging… However when something momentous happens in my life I feel the need to record this on more than just the paper of my journal.

November 2010 I began looking for a new job. ~My hearts cry was truly to go where the Lord would lead and to live a life of faith. ~
I submitted applications from Dallas to Houston and everywhere in between. It wasn’t until February that I was made aware of the “limitations” I was placing on the Lord’s plan. It only took a few minutes of arguing (God graciously listening to my complaining) for me to realize that I could not do this “half-way”. The following day I submitted applications for jobs in Lubbock, Abilene, Midland… (the western side of this so very large state).

After this act of obedience I was ready for God to move me where he saw fit… and then I waited.

“My plan” allowed for ~3 months of living with friends before beginning the next step of my life. Well I believe the problem with that began with the “My plan” part.

Looking back at all the “inconveniences” that happened I am truly blessed that my father knows best and he really does direct my path. Every detail of what I had “planned” did not work out. However these are some things that did “work out” despite my attempting to plan:

*Ten amazing months of fellowship with people that stretch and encourage me.
*The ability to wake up every morning and literally be able to say “Lord, have your way with me!”.
*A more intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father and learning how to “be still”.
* Understanding the importance of having relationships with people God puts in my life.
*Wonderful Sis and Family that took care of my pup during this time- I know God took care of Moose when I couldn’t. However he made it very clear that OUR relationship is more important and MUST come first. No exceptions~
*Good doctors and flexible work as I went through gallbladder surgery.
*Amazing “House Parents” who have listened to me whine, cry, pout, complain, and be miserable with confusion. And not only listen, but listen as my Lord listens with wisdom and direction.

I wish I could say that I now know how to wait on the Lord and will never be impatient or worry again... However, I am as human as they come- and while God has shown me again and again that he always comes through I still awaken and have to tell my soul to "get with the program".

I am so grateful that my Lord is gracious and does not hold my faults against me, but is proud of the maturity I've gained.

With many bumps, bruises, tears and even scars I move forward. Because he knew it all along.
I'm leaving San Angelo on 10/19/11 and beginning work in Midland the following day. I have so much more to share about my experiences over the past months but I guess that will come with time.

Onward!

New Life...

The celebration of completing my Masters was short lived. A got to spend a long weekend on the with some amazing friends and many days soaking up the sun by the pool.
The rest of the summer was jam-packed with studying for State Boards.

The moment of euphoria was well the effort as I was told that I passed the National Counselors Examination. I spent the rest of August basking in the glow of being done studying for the rest of my life (If I choose…)

My relaxing was interrupted as my plan of leaving my current job took an unexpected toll. I was offered a promotion to assistant supervisor.

This left me with so many decisions to make a very short amount of time… My housing situation would come to an end at the beginning of the new year… So I knew whatever path I chose I would be homeless come January--- and not only me, my boy Moose as well.
I accepted the promotion letting it be common knowledge that I did not plan on staying much past the first of the year.

I wanted to leave the door open for God to move me wherever he planned. And tried not to tie myself down to a lease or obligation. I had (and still have) no doubt that God has a specific plan and has the place chosen for me to be. I must be still and wait for instruction.

I had arranged to stay with Friend’s the first few months of 2011, but a turn of events resulted in my housing plans falling through. In frustration and desperation I messaged some friends that have always been a support to me since living in San Angelo. I lived with them for a summer during college and really did not intend on burdening them again. After the “turn of events” happened (right before the new year ) I did not have much of a choice but to call upon these always faithful friends. I am also blessed to have an amazing sister who has been taking care of Moose for me while I am in this time of transition….

Since moving into their home I have been undoubtedly blessed to be surrounded by such amazing godly people. God is moving more than I have ever seen even in this challenging “season”.

More to come

It's finally happening--- Graduation

Well first off, my sister is simply fabulous! She is so talented and was willing to help her sister with graduation announcements even though it is her busiest time of year...

On April 20th after much prayer and preparation I passed my comprehensive graduate exam. I thought for a minute that I will slip into psychosis due to the extreme anxiety.
But, my God is so good! After spending some time in prayer and worship
he helped me breathe and perform on the test to my full ability.
I never felt such relief as when I left that testing center knowing "I'm going to graduate..."
I think the song "walking on sunshine" might describe how I felt at that moment-
I cannot imagine my years of college without the constant love and support from my friends and family. You have been my lifeline through the struggles and cheer squad during the times of triumph~ I can't even begin to express my feelings as this time has finally come.
I am so excited to see what God has for me in this next step!

Graduate School and Such...

It seems like I have been waiting for this day for a long time...
Completed college with my Bachelors degree and went straight back for my Masters-
Now my time as a "Student" is rapidly ending...

I have been praying to make it to this day for "awhile" now and the fact that its right around the corner is just too hard to comprehend. Lord willing in the middle of May I will be forced into adulthood with no more excuses for flaws in behavior. I know that technically I've been an adult for almost 7 years now; however, the student role that I've identified with for these years carries with it a sense of youth. As a "student" you are learning, growing, exploring, making mistakes, making discoveries, in need of assistance and maybe even not fully responsible...
In Kindergarten you may get in trouble for dumping glitter on the floor, but others don't look at you like you should know better. They tell you what you did wrong and how to correct it; as a college student its much the same way. I am entering a point in my life where no one is going to look on me caringly and say "let me show you" -I am now expected to know better-
Let me say that do not purposefully go around "dumping glitter on the floor" just because I can; but it is a security to fall back on. I feel that by leaving my student identity certain things will now be expected of me... for one example: At family gatherings relatives will ask "Are you married?", I confidently respond that I am a college student and all is understood. The student identity is not expected to be married and have kids, (you can have them, its just not required)

I guess I am just going to miss thinking of myself as a "student"
I am not however going to miss school, at least not for awhile ;)

Holidays and Hawaii

The Holidays came and went in a wondrous blur filled with laughter, pesky brothers,

smelly pups, song writing, and puzzles!

I did not focus so much on tradition or schedules this year and felt at peace more than ever before. I got to spend an early morning just me and mom and some evenings chatting with sisters.

Not to mention the ever full cup of coffee that was continuously in my hand.

There is just something about someone else fixing your coffee
it is SO good-- Maybe its that secret ingredient of love they add ;)

So back at work and getting in the swing of things--- But only for a few days because early Thursday morning me and three friends will be flying out to Hawaii for a much belated graduation celebration trip! I left Moose & Maggie with Grandmommy (my mom) after New Years and will go to pick them after we land back in Texas. Being away from Moose has been harder than I thought; although knowing they taken care of makes the late nights at work more tolerable.

For those who would like to know my flight schedule:

We fly out of Austin at 8:10am on Thursday, January 7th.
We land in Honolulu at 2:15pm (Hawaii time) after a one hour layover in Los Angeles

*Hawaii time is 4 hours behind Texas time*
Therefore if you call me at noon it will only be 8am for me

Looking at the AT&T map I should have cell coverage most of the time I'm over there.
I'd love to talk to you so feel free to call or text me but please no 8am calls
(it'll just be 4am for me) hee-hee

On the 7th we will stay the night at the Island Colony Hotel in Honolulu. We plan to see Waikiki beach and Pearl harbor before hopping over to the island of Kauai where we will stay for the remainder of our trip...
After a week on the beach we will fly out from Honolulu at 6:05pm on Friday the 15th and land back in Austin at 10:13am, Saturday the 16^th...
I look forward to telling you all about it!
Aloha!

E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-O-N

People frequently make the statement "it feels like it should be Friday"...

I'm sure I've said it but I couldn't have meant it as much as I do today. It's only Tuesday and I've spent 3 hours this week playing moderator to screaming families. On Monday evening I went to a families' home for a meeting. Before I even entered the house the mother and daughter were screaming at each other and the mom was telling her 13 year old daughter to get out of her house. The situation was not cured by the time I left, however everyone was calm and I didn't think they'd attack each other (for the moment)...

This morning at work I spent hours typing up the report from last night so I could give CPS a detailed narrative; then as everyone who has had to report someone to CPS knows, the process took hours.

Needless to say I was not on my a-game at work today.
I met with 2 semi-functioning families and then headed off to visit the last family of the day.

Once I sat down on the couch it was "everyone talk at once" time. The father and mother YELLING about how their teenage daughter didn't bring them her report card. After about an hour of refereeing the yelling, the family (I'm assuming got tired) and started speaking in only semi-raised voices. When I tried to talk to the father about he and his daughter respecting each other he looked at me like I had gone mad, "I don't have to talk nicely to her, she needs to do what she is told!".
My only reply to this was "Well if you want to keep doing what you've been doing and you're happy with how things are then I don't need to be here. This is the only way I know to make things better; if you really want things different, this is what I got."
I think he was rather stunned at my response... but maybe (hopefully) he really thought about what he had said before.

I don't know that I can handle these parents, I agree that they have difficult children; but when you stop and listen to what they are saying it doesn't take much to fulfill what they are asking.

"I just want my mom to stop calling me names"

"I just want Dad to not put me down all the time"

"I lay in bed at night thinking of all the things he's said to me throughout the day, you're so stupid, why can't you just behave, you sure do forget a lot, you always make stupid mistakes, you'll never learn, will you.

"I wish Mom would just ask me how my day was instead of screaming at me to make my bed."

"He just doesn't know what its like... and if I tell him that he yells and says he does."

"You heard her, she doesn't care, she wants me outta her house."

"Teacher says I'm the worst kid he's ever seen. I tell him, how can I do good at school when my home is like this? Then he says that I'm the one who causes the problems in my house, and if I'd just be good everything would be fine."

"I wish Dad would sit down and talk with me and not just yell about the bad stuff."

"Why even try to do anything right, they don't notice unless its something bad."

"You heard him, he's tried every way to get rid of me. Now he's just stuck with me."

While in college I always said that I wanted to help those that really needed help, not just the rich kids. Well I know that I am truly helping the people that need help--- but oh my goodness I did not know what I was asking for. I don't really know what I need, but I need something. Some kind of divine intervention.

Its beginning to feel a lot like....ummm

At this time of year nothing gives me more pleasure than decorating the house, popping in a ol' Christmas favorite and turning those holiday hits up~

However this weekend was out of the ordinary- I was having a low weekend and thought "I know what will cheer me up"... So I busted out the decorations, and turned on Home Alone--- Several hours of sorting out lights and looking at ornaments and my mood was still gray. I finished up some minimalistic decorating and turned on the movie ELF (This movie always makes me laugh). But this gray was holding on like a bargain shopping to a last clearance item. So I settled down to be content in the mood that wouldn't budge.

Its not the waste of a Saturday that really bothers me but how what use to make me happy doesn't anymore. It is just another confirmation of how I've changed and need to move on with my life. Its scary, exciting, and sad. I just pray that I can be content for the time I am in this place and trust that God has the next chapter ready for me!

A Gloomy Sunday made Sunny---

Sunday morning was chilly, the sun was no where to be found... After a fun-filled weekend I would typically welcome this lazy day... But this Sunday was the KIDS FAIR! I signed up High Sky to participate in this event and Bekah was also going to represent the CVFA.
I enjoyed the cool day and it really got me into the "fall spirit". Kids running about with candy and temporary hair dye... The girls at the table next to mine were spraying kids up all different colors, they even talked me into giving Moose a green mo-hawk...

I never thought I'd enjoy working on a Sunday as much as I did this weekend. ... But I have to give some credit to Moose because without him I feel that I would have been quite lonely at our table. He is so good with everyone, I am indeed blessed!

Old Navy Dog

Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard...

All I can say is "You tear up my stuff, I make you wear clothes..." :)

It's not really like that, he doesn't mind at all. I am not going to stretch the truth and say he likes it, but it didn't stop (or even slow down his rowdiness)... And look at how handsome!
Silly pup looks like a real prep I know--- Well, he had fun running around the living room avoiding Mom's camera like it was a game a dodgeball.

At least he got a fun afternoon out of it -heehee

Terrible Twos...

So Moose has just turned 6 months and the terror has begun.... 

This is some of his handy work after I gave up and left my room door open last night... It is like my precious baby boy has moments when his darling face turns into the dog form of Mr Hyde! I would have been less agitated if I hadn't taken him to the park yesterday morning before I left for work and even on a walk when I got home--- I wish he could understand me so I could ask him "what more do you want from me!?!..."  

Oh help me I need an extra dose of patience this morning---

 

tear me up

I've never been one that God gave visions to, never heard words for people, or could distinctly hear his voice (without questioning myself). It never bothered me too much. I just figured our relationship wasn't like that---

Well, tonight during worship one of the speakers asked God to "tear us up" to give us a new vision of God and his love- This guided my prayers as I beseeched God-

"Make me sensitive to your spirit God..."

He gave me this---

I saw my life as hard ground.
Soil comfortably in place, not touched for an extended period of time.
A few sprouts have emerged from this soil but non significant in size or splendor

God gave me the image of this ground, not looking at it with disgust or disappointment but full of thought as he considered his plan.
A plan to till up the soil of my life that I have let remain motionless.
I felt only anticipation and excitement from my father as the ground began to display texture- No hint of hurry or frustration-
For he plans to grow so much in me; he expects a great harvest to come forth from me.

He showed me how I have cut myself off from his life by allowing myself to become sedimentary. The ground he showed me receives minimal nourishment from above as most of the rain is unable to soak in and therefore runs off-
The soil thrives because of the sustenance it has stored below. The relationship with him and the knowledge of his word have not evaporated; it is firmly in place- but it does not grow; it does not reap the harvest of the king-

My loving father knows me so well- Oh how he knows every uncertainty, every fear, every weakness, all of my hidden frailty he considers-

He carefully showed me in that moment that this ground could continue on in its current state--
No evil would occur, no angry wrath would ensue, no love withheld- even a minimal amount of growth would sustain---
But to continue on in its current state the ground would never reap the full harvest of God.

Oh my glorious creator- how I indeed comprehended the nature of psalms and the inability to call you by any other name than Marvelous- I need not to work in the soil, I need not tire in the sun - The only thing you require of my is to let go of this “life” I’ve created and become sensitive to your spirit-

You indeed are a glorious father; my only desire is to stay in your presence-
amen

The Saga Continues...

So yall know that Moose has been my little incident boy--

Well is seems that from the moment I put him in my lap he has had stomach trouble

(throwing up in my lap on the way home for the first time)

We went to the vet (again) on Friday. There are 3 vets at the clinic, Moose has seen all of them at one time or another... Well the one we saw on Friday is my favorite- very through, asks lots of questions, listens... After a long exam he suggested that Moose has an ulcer, brought on by acid reflux-

He told me about his own shelter dog that is a shepherd mix that stresses very easily and has to stay on acid reducers.

I was relieved to have an answer that makes some amount of sense- Moose is very "sensitive", seperation anxiety being a constant issue. Happily after only 2 days on the meds Moose's appetite has improved 100%. His tummy is still bothering him some. But I'm so glad to see he is eating, this is really a first since i've had him that I haven't had to encourage him to eat!
So slow but sure- hopefully it continues to improve :)

smack dab in the middle

It has been an interesting summer. Learning how to live with just one person has required some getting use to… For the length of my college life I’ve had anywhere from 2 to 5 roommates. While there is definitely less drama with just 1- it still requires adjusting. Erin (who just moved out in May) came to visit this weekend- quite fun, felt like old-times. I went with them to a college church group on Monday night. I normally do not go for various reasons but God really spoke to me through what was said last night.

The topic was “The Snare” which I automatically thought “I already know…” But God always has something to say if we are just open to listen-

The Pastor made the statement
“Evil takes hold because of our own evil desires” This got me to thinking…

*evil* is not necessarily something dirty or immoral but is anything that God is not part of!

Although I feel that I am ready for my white picket fence, husband and kids if I am not including God in my hopes and dreams they are as evil as leading a life of immorality.
I know my father has good things in store for me. - But how am I ever going to receive his gifts if I’m too busy trying to control and determine my life.
I can not count the times I have thought "I got this" to certain situations in my life- No matter the size or importance of a situation my alpha and omega should be smack dab in the middle of my daily life! When I think back... How dare I not include God in my little plans, the Lord who thought out every detail of every plant and species on the earth! But I say him: "Its no big deal!" How grateful I am that my Lord knows my faults and does not hold them against me-

When I realize these obvious things- I picture my Papa with this peculiar smile:

No impatience or annoyance- Just this smile that seems to say "silly kids"

This picture in my heart is the utmost vision of love-

This is my daily or even hourly desire-
To give the reigns of my life over to the creator of the universe.

What weekends are good for....

Friday came and went with much laughter and good times spent with close friends...

Saturday morning found me rushing around preparing for company. My Dad and many of my siblings would arrive soon.

...Showering, Vacuuming, Breakfasting, Grocery Shopping, Bed Making...
Running to the gas station because I forgot ice at the grocery store & they arrived!

We ate a feast of queso, pickles, grapes and custom deli creations! It was yummy if I do say so myself. Keeping all the picky eaters happy in this family is not an easy task.

An afternoon of playing rock band and chasing Moose around the house was quite entertaining! -my family loves to sing & we dont care what we sound like, as long as we sing together :)



My Dad and Brother helped me build a little fence to keep Moose away from this tree/bush... Everytime he chews on a stick or leaf of this thing he swells up! I drew the line when one morning his eye was swollen from this evil thing...

The evening was spent at the grandparent's---
until Sarah, Hannah, Tina and I returned to my house to crash.

Sunday morning came too early but STARBUCKS brightened our moods :)




Church at the Grandparent's was full of "I knew you when you were a baby" and "you look just like your mother..." but all in all it was good--- We make any situation memorable!



Seeing them leave makes me all the more ready to move closer. We didn't do anything that cost lots of money or required stylish clothing--- We were just ourselves and it was a BLAST!

Dog People are Crazy!

I recently joined a forum that has a range of dog topics, question and answer sort of thing---Since my Moose has proven to be the most "incident" prone puppy ever, I thought it might be helpful.

Well it has been so hot lately I've been looking for ways to help Moose stay cool... So I post on this forum a question about ideas for helping dogs keep cool in the summer...

Little did I know I committed the number one sin of "Dog-Obsessed-People"... I said that my Dog stays outside while I'm at work.... dun-dun-dun...

"You mean he doesn't have access to air-conditioning!?!?"
"I am horrified at the thought of him staying outside all day alone!"
"If you knew you had to work why'd you get the dog to begin with?"

...There were a few helpful tips from sane people mentioning the ideas of frozen water bottles and peanut-butter flavored ice cubes -yum!

so... after the persecution I needed to vent a little bit to people that understand although we love our dogs they are still genetically dogs---

Doesn't he look just sooo mistreated :)

Dog Attack!

This entire week I've said to myself
"I'm gonna get up early and take moose for a walk"...
And every morning this week I've hit the snooze button til at least 730.
This morning was no different; however, I decided to get up and at least walk for 15 min around the block.

So Moose and I were rounding the corner and about to make the last block to come home...Some dogs were barking at us (not an unusual happening) so we move away from their yard to the other side of the street. This was not enough for those dogs; I guess they wanted the taste of puppy in the morning. Three large barking dogs bounded over their fence and began circling us, growling and snipping. I grab moose up (poor baby was so scared) and think to myself "is this really happening?" Thankfully a lady driving by stopped and said "yall get in, those dogs look like they're gonna bit you." I am truly grateful for her kind assistance and the fact that we got home safe and sound.

I realize that instead of sitting at work this morning I could be in the hospital getting my ankle sewed back together. For this I am thankful--- Also, I will not be walking my pup anywhere without bringing my pepper spray from now on!

Giving It Up

Sometimes I feel like I'm a "lot of talk" when it comes to my relationship with God... I believe that he's got a plan and no matter what happens it will work out for his glory.
But when things happen like yesterday- it is trying...
I made plans to graduate in May 2010.
I planned on taking a light course load in the spring so I didn't kill myself studying for the comprehensive exams that come with graduation.
So I planned on taking a summer class to get at least one class out of the way.
What I did not plan on was my class not having enough students enrolled and getting dropped!

Frustration!

Its a part of life I'm getting better at dealing with; better, not good---

It just seems that when I'm being a responsible and doing the "grown-up thing" it doesn't really work out.. Ummm, I wonder if God is trying to tell me something....

Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Proverbs 16:3 "commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established."
Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

Moose!@!

Driving down the road... A great song comes on the radio... Singing along with my pup's panting head enjoying the breeze...and...
"Thud"
and a whimper...
My super intelligent dog decided to jump out of a moving car!
I look back to see him lying in the road crying.
"Did I hit him with my back tires? Oh my gosh, we're gonna have to go to the emergency vet clinic, Stupid dog, poor baby, shoot this is going to be expensive!..."
~all these things flashing in my mind as I go to pick up my pup...
I pick him up and put him in the back seat, a friend's house is just down the street so I drove over to be able to get a better look at Moose's leg.

Thank you Lord! He was able to get out of the car with minimal difficulty. A little limping but he was able to put some weight on it. After the initial shock wore off he struggled some but was able to walk quickly and he didn't appear to be in pain.

Oh the joys of Motherhood. Yes I know my children will probably not jump out of the car window, but all kinds of things happen.
Well I guess if there is anything positive in this whole experience, this is good practice~

Me and My One Dollar Junk Yard Dog

Driving out to the country, dirt roads wind until we arrive at our destination. We pull up the drive and see a house in front of us. On our left and right however are tons of scrap metal and broken down cars; a little skeptical the car goes into park and I get out. As the car door opens at least five dogs come barreling towards me. Mutts of all design, small, medium and one goliath like monster; all varying in color and stature some more friendly than others. I step out of the car but leave two friends who have let goliath intimidate them into staying safe inside their metal cage. “Hey, how yall doin? He won’t ert ya! The pups are or’ there, we gotta keep um’ pinned up so they don’t get runned over.”
…I walk up to what appears to be a metal museum with scraps and broken down cars abounding. But unlike most junkyards this one is full of large-bouncy pups!

“That ones reel good, he gives ya lots a kisses!” A little boy (later to find out his name is John-Michael) climbs up on the fence and starts telling me all about the puppies and which pups he intends on keeping. “I want that one, so you can’t buy um’… ok”. I assure him that I will not.

One pup catches my eye… He’s put off by all the hustle and bustle and retires under a broken down car. “That’n is Striper Jr.” John-Michael informs us (As my friends have now decided to brave the chaos of dogs.) The boys mother instructs him to get the puppy and bring him to me. “You can have him for a dollar…” John-Michael, a natural salesmen tells me. His mother quickly reprimands him and insisted that the pups are free.

A scrawny big-footed pup is placed in my arms. Striper Jr, a belly full and legs draped across my arms he struggles to return to the pack then relaxes.

Arms full with an old towell and big puppy in my arms, we walk to the car. John-Michael‘s mother calls out a warning… I ain’t sure how he‘ll do, “He never been in a car afore”… And what would you know that towel came in handy has little Striper Jr, or as I call my clumsy big-foot “Moose” lost his lunch just a few miles down that dirt road.

So this begins our adventure~
Me and My One Dollar Junk Yard Dog
Thanks Bekah and Dionn for being there...
and letting Moose ride in your pretty new car!

New Job---

Its been a few weeks since I left the hospital and went to work at High Sky's Stay Together Program---
Adjusting to office life has been a struggle for me. I love having my own space but I miss the constant interaction with others. Last week I began observing in home consultations, (now this is what I'm talking about...) I love it! Talking with parents and kids about what is going on in their life, offering support and helping them make good decisions. Now I just have to get accustomed to the paperwork and I'll be ready :)
I am going to be in Midland all next week for some intensive "Common Sense Parenting" training. It is the program we teach and I am going to spend a week learning the program backwards and forwards---
Some major adjustments but much less stress... I think that this is gonna work out :)